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Q:
How safe is "safe sex"?
A: Few professionals
are using the phrase "safe sex" anymore; most have
switched to saying "safer sex" because condoms do not
provide 100% protection. If they are used correctly and
consistently (every time any sexual contact occurs),
condoms can reduce the risk of transmitting most STDs,
but they work differently against different STDs. They
are most effective against HIV but much less effective
against other infections, especially STDs that are
spread by skin-to-skin contact, like Herpes. For those,
the infected area is often not covered by a condom,
which means the condom is doing nothing to prevent
transmission of that STD. The only way to completely
avoid risk of STDs is to wait to be involved in sexual
activity until you are in a faithful, lifelong
relationship (like marriage) with an uninfected partner.
Q: Is oral sex considered
safe?
A: While oral sex does not put you at
risk for pregnancy, it does still put you at risk for
STDs and for the emotional consequences of sex. STDs are
contracted through the exchange of body fluids or
skin-to-skin contact. Every STD you can get through
vaginal sex can also be spread through oral sex. Oral
sex is not safe sex.
Q: If I have sex at
an early age but don't get pregnant or get an STD, how
could it affect me?
A: Having sex at an
early age often has an intense emotional impact on the
people involved. In particular, breaking up can cause
serious emotional pain including anxiety, heartache,
guilt, and regret.
Q: If you aren't
religious, why wouldn't you have sex before you're
married?
A: Regardless of their spiritual
beliefs, the healthiest choice for anyone is to wait
until they are in a faithful, lifelong relationship to
have sex. Outside of that relationship, there are risks
associated with sex, including STDs, unplanned
pregnancy, and intense emotions that can make it hard
when the relationship ends. Without a formal commitment
like marriage, relationships have some level of
insecurity because either person can leave at any time.
Many people decide that these risks aren't worth it, and
choose to wait.
Q: How can I know if my
boyfriend really loves me or is just with me for
sex?
A: One way to find out how sincere he
is would be to stop having sex. You don't want to use
sex as a way to get something from him, but the risks
that you are exposing yourself to and your concern about
his motives suggest that putting sex off might be a good
plan. If he really cares about you, your guy will
respect your feelings and not pressure you.
If you're doubting his feelings, think about how else
he shows you he cares, besides physically. When you
spend time alone together, is it always physical? Does
he say nice things to you, talk with you about his life,
care when you're going through a hard time, plan fun
(non-sexual) things for you to do together, and
otherwise treat you well? If not, it might be time for
him to go - you can do better!
Q: If we
are committed to each other and living together, why
should we wait to have sex until
marriage?
A: While many couples believe that
living together is a good way to test out what it would
be like to be married, studies show that couples living
together have more arguments and relationships are
marked by less stability than married couples (1).
Affairs are twice as common among couples who live
together than among married couples (2). Commitment
involves more than living together- it is a deep,
lasting bond between two people who are willing to stay
with each other for the long haul through whatever life
brings.
(1) Stets, Jan E. The Link Between Past and Present
Intimate Relationships. Journal of Family Issues. 1993:
14, p 236-60.
(2) Treas J and Geisen D. Sexual
infidelity among married and cohabiting Americans.
Journal of Marriage and the Family. 2000: v 62, p 48-60.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been having
sex but I want to stop. I'm afraid he'll break up with
me. What should I do?
A: You can always
choose to stop having sex, regardless of your choices in
the past. If your boyfriend really respects and loves
you, he'll know that you're worth the wait.
It can be hard to stop having sex once you've
started, but it's definitely possible if you think about
your reasons ahead of time and are prepared to slow
things down if you feel pressure from him or from within
yourself. If he really cares about you he'll respect
your choice and wait for you. If not, you're probably
better off without him.
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